book out time always seem to be gone in a flash. on the brink of bookin in as of now, the blues have struck again. its earlier onset this week is due to the fact that i have "unsastifactory performance" and being confined. in truth, it was just failing a launcher test, 72%, 3% shy of the passing mark. have decided to not spend my precious time out slping, so shall be up the whole night, then snooze my way in there. yet, i feel very very drowsy now.. :(

finally clear my IC week. been a very eventful one, wif more bad than good. now that it's over, i'm glad i've learned much, but in no circumstance, would i want to repeat being ic again. haha.

went out a lot in my shorter bookout weekend. finally puchased polo tee, after searching for quite awhile, thnx to some "professional" help + supper wif my cousins. though i thot the purchasing process could have much less odd.

Sculpted@2:19 am

it's simply amazing how a week can change a person.
almost one week ago to the dot, i was one depressed fellow. ranting and complaining.
however it seem to be the start point of a change, which has already much impact on my life. somehow the walk from the gate to bunk at LCK II seemed to calm myself totally. barring a few hiccups along the week, i had evolved my perspection and thinking. for a very long time, i finally feel it once again. oozing slowly out over the past 2 years, i've never thot to recover, but here m i, filled with wat i once owned. but this time round it's different. it is guided and directed, not blind and bashful.
confidence is such an amazing thing.

mistake me not.
it's not that i've given up on things which i hold dearly to my heart. it's just that i've given up on the weak way of maintaining it. sometimes, the way to gain is to risk losing it.

maybe i've finally picked up something which would truly clear the haze, define my path and synergise my future. nevertheless, i'm still on the learning process, yet i trust the change would be permenant and impactful.

Sculpted@9:00 pm

the luxury of attend C, ie SAF's MC.
been home since thursday evening, thnx to a chalazion on my left eye lid. gd thing it has subsided much ever since, so should be able to continue wif my course. though initially i thot a operation was required at singapore national eye centre, but gd thing the doctor indicated otherwise... oh yeah, did went to find muggerpok for lunch b4 going to SNEC, and ended up helping to alleviate "pissed-off-ness".
sneaked out on friday wif my cousins for movie n dinner, otherwise it was another day in a bored NS guy's life.
saturday, was grandia 3 day, clocking about 6 hours of play time along wif another movie wif my brother. korean movies are really nice to watch.

today was hopefully be a highly enjoyable day. morning, enjoyed chatting wif jiajia n tsai at cafe cartel's. apparently they serve breakfast rite on weekends morning. after that, met fang for lunch and attempted to buy a polo tee for book in n out purposes but to no avail.

evidently, i'm feeling a very bad combination of emotions now. vex, restless and pensive. it could be partially be attributed to book-in blues, but i'm quite sure of the major reason(s).
i have this bone stuck in my thoart, and till i spit it out, it would bug me.
at first, was hoping that this wouldn't be the manner i ultilise, but oh well...

though i may act it and i try and hope that i wont be as affected by u as in the past, but it's the truth that i'm still largely affected by u. back on cursed tekong, sometimes the only way i slp comfortably was by hearing ur voice, no matter how little of it. though now, it isn't as bad but still i did wish i hear it once in awhile. no doubt i've gotten pass the horrible early days of BMT, wif much much help from u. that i cant thank you enuff for, but if one manner of appreciation is to allow the relation to degenerate to a state where we cant barely string ten lines of consecutive conversation, then i shall resign to it. yet i believe it isn't, don't u?

as i look down on my horribly expensive steak n salmon, i was busy searching for a topic to talk about and hoping that you would find one as well. i've much to tell u, for u r the very very few whom i can really talk wif. pardon me if i'm mistaken, though u sit physically directly opposite me yet i somehow feel that ur mind is wondering else where. it makes me very very distressed and sad.
maybe the aimless wandering made it impossible, but was sitting down was an option?
the irony of it, though i very much wanted to have the honour of ur company for a much longer time, but wat good would it do had the silence just dragged on? nonchalant i may seem to go home, but i did wish much it wouldnt have turn out as such.

is it me being over-reacting or over-demanding of u again? to request that u could listen to me? to at least ask about how i've been? i know it's not in ur nature for u to share, and that i respect, but still a little tiny detail here and there would suffice?
how i wish we were back in HC. where things were much more comfortable, to say the least. back then, i knew i had a listening ear if i needed one, a ear that was recpetive and soothing.
then again had i made it impossible to return to such a situation? or was it too much to ask again?

as my pond of frens evapourate by the day, as i find less and less people that i can comfortably message/talk to, and as i look on in despair at the increasing amount of people whom would just disregard me just like any another, u're one of very last that i pray would do so.

come to think of it, i wonder whether u would see this. whether would u at least tell me a little bit about how u feel on this matter. and i do hope u would, for u're the only very few that make me really smile myself to slp.
nevertheless, hope is the only thing i have left to afford, other than the tears in my heart and the forced smile that i wear.

Sculpted@7:29 pm

the book in blues are starting to set in now... the standard mega-sian feeling.
well, it aint as bad as tekong's but still it's there. at least i can look forward to a very possibly highly exciting weekend! provided there's no confinement.
to each friday evening i look to, to each sunday night i ignore.

had quite a high expenditure but enjoyable saturday. watched ultraviolet wif lj n py.. guessed i picked the wrong show this time around.. but at least the actress redemned some of the ticket fare. then walked around, checking out sax lessons at yamaha. and the 2k instruments ended any desire to pick up such lessons. at least i gt a new set of earphones to show for the 2 hours worth of shopping, and had some dumb fun with the xbox 360 king kong game. then upon lj's instigation, dinner was at NYDC coz he wanted to be served by py and he made it a point to be difficult throughout the whole meal. and the rest of us (sihan n ben) gt much laughs out of it.
next up was a pub at boat quay, which was quite nice, coz the beer was brewed specially by the pub itself and tasted rather refreshing. top it off was the pleasant atmosphere and company + soccer on tv. somehow in pubs, there seem to much more chat on things closer to heart. and i gt dragged out to supper at geylang lar.. nearly lost the way and went thru some "red-light" places which i must admit i went out of the way to siam.

help mum wif papers delivery early in the morning and sneaked in 2 hours of rest b4 went to meet up wif my BMT section for lunch. sakura buffet was the venue, and i really did stuff myself much wif food, be it jap, western or chinese. and of coz, many many scoops of ice cream and cups of green tea. it was interesting to hear all the different stories from my sect. mates about their experiences at the various camps. n many of them were complaining about how they wish they were back in BMT, where the entire section was cohesive unlike their current ones. personally, i'm fine wif either as of now.. coz i only know my air force mates for only a week.. though these pple would be wif me till ORD, but i'm not sure of how it would turn out.

recently i feel that something is very wrong wif me. i cant really explain it, but i've this odd feeling at times which makes me feel really down. this feeling that i've screwed up rather much recently, in many areas. and i feel very much helpless on how to salvage the situation, and i would just think and think on possible solutions and often coming up empty-handed. i very much want to apologise to those i've offended or not helped, yet whenever i realise my mistakes it's already too late or the situation becomes difficult to say sorry alrdy. physically i may have adapted to army, mentally around there as well, but subconsiously, something is still hay-wired and my senses are kinda messed up and dull. something is just missing.
yet very occasionally, i feel high and happy, and i smile myself to sleep. an action or word can sometimes seem to totally make my day. accompanying it would be the floating feeling as i lay on the sponge bed and with my eyes closed, i feel so so relaxed and blissful even. the daily routine in camp doesn't affect much of my mood, it seems that the contact wif the outside world is the main determinant of my emotions.

i dont feel 18, going on 19. more like 14.
i can only wish for more independence.

Sculpted@6:49 pm