i admit.
i'm in the doldrums now.
something isn't clicking right anymore.
and the worse thing is that i can't pin-point out the source.
maybe in my whirlwind to "self-help" myself recently, i might have lost the general plot. leads me to wonder, am i really helping myself? or am i just bluffing to myself that i'm improving, that i'm on the positive track?
the inner sense of self-confidence (even arrogance) is now just a feature of the past. i need a heart-warming smile, an out-reached hand and an embrace.
sometimes, i just reminisce the good old days of being a child. all in life was fun, play, enjoy, relax (and maybe a bit of studying). mum was right, childhood is really childhood.

nevertheless, the empowerment one gains as one grows older is rather exciting. you get to choose ur own way, do things ur own style, etc. though ambiguity and consequence is always around to ruin it all up for you.

should be getting my driving license come end march, barring any safety infringement and bouts of bad luck. then again, my instructor has never fail to reprimand me, at least once per lesson, on reckless driving. i'm a soon-to-be road hazard.

Sculpted@6:41 am

okay, i'm in the mood for being a keyboard jockey today. got a well-timed off, to break away from a labourious week in camp.

tekong duty cycle has started. coping with it rather well, in fact. the perversed sleeping hours are something i didn't take long to get used to. this was aid much by the endless amount of anime available in there for viewing. not to mention the cups of thick and rich ice milo. even tried an expirement wif coffee + tea, but didn't as well as expected. shall try concocting mocha nxt time :)

however, due to a recent injury, have been stuck in camp doing admin duties. this obviously translates into utter boredom and insane lack of motivation to do work. thankfully, i have with me an interesting bunch of books that fought off the spells of boredom. not too mention the presence of the internet comp, so yeah, it all helps.
this reminds me to bitch a bit. i seriously think that some NSFs have a very severe misconception about NS and especially that chocolate bar of his. leadership eh? standing at the side, using eyes only doesn't really seem to appeal to me as an effective form of leadership.
but the positive to gain is a negative demostration of leadership.

have been learning manual driving for the past 2 months odd. took a lot of stick for poor control of the clutch in the mean time, but other than that, it seems that i'm doing decently well. unfortunately, there doesn't seem enuff time for me to get in sufficient practice b4 my test. my instructor just seems to have too many students it seems, need to advance book up to 2 weeks, it's kinda irritating actually. can't ad-hoc request for lessons either. just hope that i can squeeze in all the necessary lessons and obtain my license. somehow, requiring to take a 2nd try at driving doesn't sit too well with me.

my brother wants me to blog about him, so as the nice and oblidging younger brother i decided to. 1st thing i wanna say is that, he just deleted all the bleach anime that i wanted to watch. he choose to delete it, rather to send it to me throught our 100MB/s lan connection. what an excellent and caring and giving brother i have. damm, i couldn't ask for more. he wants me to spend my time constructively on mugging.
2nd thing is that he is spending an EXCESSIVE amt of time/effort/money on his 2nd anniversary gift, IMO at least. to him, it's already less. actually i feel more effort should be put into the time spent together. differing style anyways. sui generis.
3rd thing is that he loves to snatch with me to eat ice-cream. poor NSF like me that get stuck in camp 72% of the time per week, and i still have to compete full force, just to be able to get some ice-cream at home.

financially, i'm in quite a tight situation. though i must admit it's all self-inflicted, but the rate at which it occurred was just astounding. i'm now out to maximise every dollar, scrimp a bit, and boost credits. damm, the feeling sure sucks a hell lot, but a painful but essential lesson learnt. these last few days of the month has been extremely harsh. maybe i should just stop being picky about camp food. have quite a few frens that i want to meet up with, but a tight budget seems to be in the way. have to space out, for even a simple meal seems something that it's hard for me to afford.

speaking of frens, i guess relations have changed a plenty lot. my views have evolved.

some just sour, for pple move on and i respect that. one day, paths might interwine again.

there are those that are in an occasional need of a poke/nudge to get things right. this to me, is kinda irritating. nevertheless, i've choosen not to give up, but it can really get tiring. but the good thing is when things do get right, it's really quite enjoyable and comfortable, if they get right.

yet the best of the lot, are those whom don't need any special effort to maintain the frenship.

i feel that i know too many pple that fall into 1st n 2nd general category, for one can't really complain about having too many frens falling in the last but best? :)

Sculpted@10:12 pm