Mine

2009-06-14T01:53:00.002+08:00

blog blog blog.

i only come here to blog when i need to dump.

looking back at the past few entries, only certain issues bring me that low.

life is a daily buzz.

2009-03-17T00:19:00.002+08:00

Depatures.
often then not, we wait till the very end, only to look back in anguish and horror. how many times have we let pettiness over-ride and over-whelm us.

Forgot not to honour those that you were made out of.
reconnection to the source of it and complete it.

King maker.
I found the qualities in one and maybe, lost one.
Maybe i'll forge out another one.

watch the show "Departures".

2009-03-08T12:51:00.002+08:00

Integrity.

You once said never to doubt your integrity and here I am, at a crossroads.

Am I to believe in the words you once uttered and cling on to your integrity or don't believe them and fail in my own judgment?

trust, integrity, friendship. the very words you speak of, and the very actions i not see.

i do have to watch out for tautology going on though and limit it necessarily.
some "I" inside me feels glad that i have never given you this blog address, not that you ever did bother to find out or ask. even though there were hints aplenty.

*Cues Scarborough Fair* Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thine.

you have stopped caring at almost all levels and that hurts.

The Power of Intention. Energy. Folding time. Strength and comfort.
At the end of the day, I am a rocket in the sky.

2009-02-28T03:15:00.002+08:00

I may have blown all my credits, but i can also kick start the arcade machine to make it work again :)

Guilt gift and rushing back was a surprise and successful atonement. I am pleased :)

Low cut dress are the bane of my eyes. Pleasant conversation and in depth understanding.
With no love, Is there really no pain on your side or are you too numb and used to it?
I feel for you in that sense, yet not really.

I got to be careful with revealing details or traits that might shock others.

Options.
Are they real or imaginary? or am i still unable to exorcise the ghost?

2009-02-24T11:31:00.002+08:00

Knocking so ever hard on the fortress doors.

Siege warfare is an arduous affair.

The troops are off to conquer other lands.

A lone scout keeps watch on the perimeter.

He wonders when it is his turn to go home.

Clear clutters.
Gain more energy.
Maintain Integrity.
Uphold Disciplines.
Focus.
I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

2009-02-07T02:10:00.002+08:00

i know i rarely blog.

but watching Curious Case of Benjamin Button is screwing myself psychologically up.

Dis-orientated, Out of Sync and Dis-connected.

The reverse of roles, so diverse yet so similar. pinned down by the unconditional love of the characters makes me absolutely chilling to the core. it's psychologically disruptive, and all the very more counter-intuitive.

simply put, it screwed my brain up.

a lot of weird up energy has been flowing through me these past 2 days. it really does blow hot and cold, gasses bubbling around, funky quirks bumping around. i know not of what does all these herald, but i do hope of it being better for the future.

it might be time to run.
and when i do really run, i may never look back.
though it might be the very thing i am searching for, that will forever be gone in the wind.

2009-01-16T01:25:00.002+08:00

As I peer over the ledge of the cliff, the chasm looks too wide to breach.
Struggling to overcome the mental chatter, all it takes seem to be faith only.

Courage is not action in the absence of fear, but action in the face of fears ~~ Mark Twain.

I will remember this quote as i prepare to fly and should anytime i crash-land.

Not just the quote I will remember, but my wings will soar with the love of all you generous people.

9 months of adventure? danger? torture? excitement?

what entails in this journey is beyond imagination.
and maybe when i look back at this moment 9 months from now, it be all but a dream.

Jump? Nope. Fly!

2008-12-11T00:50:00.002+08:00

yes yes, blog has not been updated regularly.

but, To complete quite an exciting day.
helped out the whole day at gwen's wedding, being part of the "sisters" gang. it was really intersesting, considering that it is my very first wedding to play an more active part, other than the usual sit in for dinner thingy only.

was very present to the fact that make-up is such a CHORE. the putting on part was fun, and there's like a wealth of knowledge in terms of applying. it's like painting on the face, creating artistic value. BUT BUT BUT, removal is so troublesome. i had only some very light foundation on, but i was cursing and swearing to the no end about removal. i guess i gain some insight to ladies whom have put on make-up, the trouble behind it, the hassle, the problems. it is really quite a hassle.
had a great time being part of the sister entourage. the sisters themselves were very funny, and though i did not see the games they forced the brothers gang to play, but from the incessant noise and screams and troubles created outside, i say the guys performed rather valiantly to conqueor the 5 different stages and etc. though i must say, the brothers gang were pretty sly, giving so much coins just to increase the weight.
i must also say the sister entourage was excellent, each one contributing to ensure the bride was well-taken care of. rotating duties, singing songs, setting the traps, etc. i admit not being present for the planning sessions, but being there on the day itself hopefully made up for it. it was also nice chatting with the sisters entourage, and they all woefully over-estimated my age :(
but ah well, it's not the first time, and it won't be the last
food was excellent! especially at the wedding dinner. had double share of food, cos i was shuttling between the sisters table and the toastmasters table. i enjoyed the fried prawns the best. i could taste the fresh-ness within, not to mention that it was really succulent. all the dishes were made with much intention, and i could feel it from the chef. from the manner of presentation to the mixing of food, the order, etc. i thought it was really nicely plan. though the fact that there was no white wine to start the dinner kinda made it not that good, but the red was of a decent quality as well.,
got a clear insight to the procedure of a wedding. the flow of events, the level of planning required, the intricacy of execution and the amount of manpower needed. i was chatting with the photographer, and he was sharing some insights about weddings, not just from the photography angle but the procedure angle as well. he had quite some experience, i must say. he seems pretty acconmplished and always have witty comments to please the pple being photographed.

to sum it up, being part of the sisters entourage, i think i gained a pretty unique and different point of view of things. especially since i was considered the "maid of honour", though it got pretty unsightly when i was attempting to carry the gown train. but nevertheless, it was enjoyable and i appreciated being given the chance :)
not only to participate, but also to enjoy :)

other than a few other minor things, i guess this completes the wedding activities :)

2008-10-22T23:31:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNC0kIzM

Love is in the air (but not me)

:)

Sounds melancholy that i am smiling about it.
Don't get me wrong.
I am truly happy for my friends that just got hitched :D

So the question to ask is what am I rejecting?
what is bury within all those layers?
maybe it's something that i always done well.

i am pretty much dehydrated.

2008-10-13T04:07:00.001+08:00

After some wine and chat, it's feels real good to clear things up.

thanks :)

on another note, few simple things that i have forgotten along the way. it's rather fun to discover them back :)

2008-10-05T23:35:00.003+08:00

I felt so happy for you, after recovering from the initial shock, that tears dripped.

No concrete idea why, but that's the way so :)
Maybe i just want to see you back when you had that irresistibly radiant smile on your face, like that of 4 years ago.

Have faith and take care :)
it will work out :)

2008-09-18T01:20:00.003+08:00

Glancing through your blog, some realisations hit me.
So subtle and strange, that no words describe it.

I apologise for failing many areas as a friend.
Take care in Australia.

2008-09-03T14:58:00.000+08:00

Active Patience.

2008-09-02T01:25:00.002+08:00

The night is too lovely to be asleep :)

The night is too lonely to be asleep :)

The night is simply too beautiful :)

For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.

2008-08-24T00:36:00.002+08:00

Changing my working email to : kenneth.ohjp@gmail.com

zstrome@hotmail.com would be for "msn" purposes only.

Please ignore the pop-up to add from my new gmail account.

2008-08-22T02:01:00.002+08:00

Light, Shadow.
Fire, Water.
Lamb, Wolf.
Mirror, Reality.
Star, Paintbrush.

Congruence? Seek it within.

Quadruple hit list. Practice time.

2008-08-14T02:49:00.004+08:00

Been a long and enjoyable weeks. Did rushed out and finished the stuff, though couldn't hit the bonus which I have set out :( It been a wonderful experience thus far, full of valleys and peaks.

For now, just let the paintings do the talking.

2008-07-28T07:03:00.003+08:00

Cropped version on my handphone wallpaper looks nicer.
I think the picture does too much justice for the painting this time round. Lol.

Am glad I cleared this for the week, and can enjoy my camp without worrying about clutters stuck, even though it came at an expense of much missed sleep :(
Love the water reflection effect and the colour i used to coat the sea with.
Would still need to work on the perspective of things and improve my realism of things.

Signed up for a one way street. I guess that is it.

Okay! FTB time!

2008-07-26T02:28:00.002+08:00

Second drawing. I must say I am less pleased with it actually. Used too much water and being too impatient for this drawing. Apparently, even the quick drawing nature of acrylic is not sufficiently fast. but nevertheless, had some wonderfully successful expirementations with the palatte knife and some colours.

i must say i'm slightly getting a bit of the hang of being able to paint the way i want to, for basic styles. however, i have yet to be able to convey 3D depth in an object using colour and tones :(
something to work on next time round. shall attempt some human figurines nxt time round. think the photo don't do my painting justice actually :( makes it look so dark.

been some very long days. but nevertheless, fruitful :)

I guess i do smile alot more, but I have yet to find the ability to truly laugh.

2008-07-24T09:50:00.001+08:00

My first painting. First of a series of at least 6.
Acrylic Painting is a lot messier than i thought, and worse still, once it dries, it damm hard to get it off. So for now, my arms n legs would have residue spots/streaks of paint.
but nevertheless, it was a very fun attempt, with many blotches along the way.

would be looking to improve on my next painting :)

2008-07-14T02:50:00.002+08:00

Once again, I welcome my blog to be an avenue for 2 things.

Firstly, to express myself, no matter how coded or abstract I tend to be at times. There are just things that are not meant to be explicit.
Secondly, to keep a record, regardless of how incongruous. It's better than none.

While I should and will have a discussion soon, the feelings of being unfairly accused and mis-interpreted are boiling over.
And for once, I really really hope that my hunch is wrong and especially since as I have very much incomplete information and knowledge. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day, what matters most to me is that beautiful smile on your face and that you are truly happy and will be happy.

2008-07-11T20:18:00.002+08:00

It really is a paradox.

When you don't want to blog, you have endless verbal diarrhea to pour out. Yet, like this very moment when I feel like typing a few lines on to cyberspace, I'm stumped.

Well, I was using that previous line to kick-start my blogging engine.

Apparently, my decision to go for the Arts camp by SMU is quite a controversial one?
I mean why else would everyone have a comment or remark about arts camp, when I list out my camp schedule. I am not here to defend that decision, but I would gladly share with anyone that wants to know my reasons why so.

Speaking of art, I'm currently embarking on a personal project to paint. For now, I'm trying out some watercolour and acrylic. A very tentative small step in the realm of visual arts. It is astonishing of how big that realm is. I am currently a bit lagging behind the milestones set, and wanting to supersede them, I will have to push harder. It would be nice and appreciated if you guys would give me some support/encouragement :)

Been fighting the sleeping monster daily, and while so far, I have won. I fear that these are just Pyrrhic victories. It is in hope that my physical body gets accustomed to it and the rest would follow suit soon.

They say it takes 21 days to develop a habit, let's test it out.

2008-07-04T22:26:00.001+08:00

Courage is not the absence of fear, in fact, it is action in spite of fear

-gardeniablooms-

2008-07-04T19:37:00.003+08:00

There is great fear. Great fear coursing through me.

Fear of being who I really can be.
Fear of achieving what I can.
Fear of overcoming that fear.

Fear is trying to wrest me back into its control.
So many psychosomatic processes and mental thoughts attempting to hold me, throwing up their biggest stunts ever to retain me in its original shape.

I see all of that, yet it has me paralyzed. As I, in an effort to triumph over it, type this out now.
It is preventing me from writing down the goals down, preventing me in a futile effort from achieving. It is so illogical and stupid to have that fear, yet it is gripping me right now.

I can see why is it so aptly named "The courage to create" now.
Break through it, bit by bit.

2008-07-01T22:39:00.003+08:00

Ms Tay said this to me today :" The fact that his mum does it for him, does not mean that he does not know how to do it."

Hrmm, that got me thinking and then realising that it made some sense.
relieved some of the despair.
relieved some of the tension and the stuck-up thought of mine.
relieved some of the unnecessary pressure.

Started to clean up some junk. Plenty more to go.
Bit by bit, shall clear them up. Shall remember not to increase the mess as well.
Learning to turn perspectives of frustration and detest into tools of usefulness :)

2008-06-30T21:53:00.002+08:00

i was running this road, winding n curving
initially, there was notions of to stop running
dark sky, leg pain, laziness, etc.
as i ran, it got tough, tiredness was trying to stop me
but the more i ran, it felt great to see things around
sometimes i overtake people
sometimes people over take me
sometimes, i see people walking
people on the sides playing soccer
engaging in their own activities
i see myself jogging along that little path, knowing that it will end some way
yet doesn't stop me from jogging
sometimes i jog
sometimes i could be faster
sometimes i saw a pretty girl to make me wanna run faster
but the more i ran, the more tired i know i was becoming, and that i was heading home
and yet i know, the next day, i would be running again
with the inertia to start running again, looking ahead at the journey before it starts.
but at least i knew i was running and not hiding in oblivion facades.

so many machines within. so many questions but the paradoxes limits.
have the capability to hold them back and then talk about to reclaim back more of what was lost. to utilise them for my own will. having mastery over them would be the aim.

2008-06-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

feeling pretty shitty now.
it is as TNT had said, about dust being shaken up and creating a sandstorm?
or is it just mere delusions?

anyways, hermit weekend up ahead.

maybe i have over believed in what I have been fed, believed in what i thought i saw, actually, behind that veil, is much much more. as if it was always a conspiracy out to sucker me in.
am i starting to see the flaws in the plan now?

Security, Sensation, Power.
What is it so entangling?

2008-06-23T01:57:00.002+08:00

no regrets of the past.
acceptance of others of their ideals.
and passing no judgment.

is there more to it than just mere security, sensation and power?

2008-06-23T00:08:00.002+08:00

apparently, my flu is more irritating than I thought it would be. it's almost gone, but ALMOST is the word. okay, then again, maybe I did kinda pushed it with 2 soccer matches yesterday. and my superbly aching calves and thighs are a good indication of lack of muscular fitness :(

one's going over for studies, the other is getting married. well, it's not that both would be gone totally, but still it is starting to get rather :(
I wonder what uni would hold in store for.

to jiajia, i'm sure you know of my well-wishes. you definitely be missed. and all the best to you in the land of kangaroos :)
please ask if there's anything. gotta feedback to your parents about their precious daughter as well. ha :X

Course homework is really tough and draining.
So much to do (in all areas), yet not enough to give.
can giving does not involve expecting receiving?

2008-06-19T03:34:00.002+08:00

Listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack brings back fond memories. Please don't ask how i got it. :p

I remember watching the first musical, Wicked, in London. Not that it wasn't spectacular or engaging, just that I thought it was not worth it. ( I was paying big amounts of pounds for it.)

Thankfully, the other 3 managed to convince me otherwise to watch Les Miserables. The moment I heard the overture with its steady drum beats and powerful lyrics, I knew I was hooked. Thoroughly enjoyed the show is quite a big understatement, and it was quite a pity that on the last night back in London, there was not sufficient time to catch another musical.

And yes, I have my Europe trip pictures with me now, but am too lazy to do anything, till have compiled it all together with inputs from the others. For now, just let me enjoy the songs and the memories reliving itself again :)

2008-06-15T05:33:00.002+08:00

Here I am, coughing my lungs out.
And yet no where closer to getting over my jet lag.
Sleeping right on sync with the London hours these few days, albeit watching too much Euro 2008 plays a big part.
(Yes, the Dutch are irresistable! woohoo!)

Feeling very under the weather these few days. At least, spirits got lifted a bit by some very painful pimples squeezing -_-"
unfortunately, could not attend a few activities that I really wanted to these past few days, and am feeling quite bad about it. but, my physical health is no shape what so ever. craps.

that was 8 hacking coughs in 3.5 minutes to type this entry.
nice.

2008-06-13T02:37:00.002+08:00

yes, i'm back from my euro trip!

unfortunately, i would not be in the right spirits to be blogging much about it, as i have wonderfully left my camera in london (i.e. no pics yet) and i have left my dutifully kept journal on the plane back from bangkok (i.e all entries gone). Let's not bitch about the "co-operation" from the airline I "received" in attempting to "help" me "search" for my journal.

don't get me wrong. the trip was very much enjoyable, with quite a few breath-taking moments, inspirational artistic experiences, wild partying nights, cross-cultural understandings and an excellent respite. there will be an entry on that.

but, as i'm currently extremely jet lagged now and feeling very physically screwed up, I shall just camp and wait for the next euro match to start. hopefully, the weekend would provide a much need rest to recuperate from the physical wear.

somehow, university term commencement is very much nearer than felt.

and there's seem to be a lot of issues to re-connect to, as well. though logically, it's more of an update of things, but somehow I can't help but feel affected and to an unfortunate extent, responsible.

all these have somehow culminate into the "screwed up" feeling i am experiencing right now. hopefully, it would dissipate along with the tiredness when I have re-log everything about the trip from scratch. and more importantly, after I have camped it out in my cave.

2008-05-27T07:48:00.002+08:00

Well well, I don't know why I am so eager to blog these few days in London. Considering that I'm much more tired and there are more things to do than usual, less sleep and etc, yet here I am again. More over, I'm reluctant to blog anything specifically about the trip, just maybe to mention where I'm at now (London, still) and where I'm going next (Paris, in this case).

Always make it a point to read 2 different blogs every time I get to use the net. Hrmm, somehow these 2 just matters to me, to find out how they are, even being 3924092302384 miles away. Thankfully, these 2 are very often updated. Then again, it could be I'm just still clinging on to something familiar, so that I won't totally forget. Just to feel something. Comfort zone maintenance eh?

Oh yes, gloomy wet London.

2008-05-26T09:08:00.002+08:00

Another day in the United Kingdom has passed.
Walking is really the most unexpected thing I have been doing. I ain't saying the tube/rail system is inefficient, but it is only through walking where one can really access and soak in the atmosphere of the city and sights.

The weather has been very generous to us the past few days, with no rain, gentle breeze and good dosages of sunlight throughout the day. Was able to visit the various places that was planned out and things ran out smoothly. Am very relieved that stay in London is really very wonderful, with a lot of aid and assistance rendered. Even a scenic sub-urban London house to chill-pill in, though we rarely spent time in it. Am very grateful for all that :)

Not say that everything was sastifactory, but there's plenty to look on for in the positives than negatives.

One last day in London, before moving on to other parts of western europe, where the tour will start, and probably internet connection would much more of a scarcity than now. so till when i can find the chance to blog again, tata :)

2008-05-25T06:34:00.003+08:00

Hello people.
Yes, I am safely in London. If you were expecting a more hyped up post, I guess disappointment would probably be what you guys would get?
Not that London ain't fun or what. In fact, the trip so far has been a real experience, in terms of travelling and exploring. That's why I'm so tired out, in many ways. But it's definitely a very big learning lesson thus far, discovering a few things within myself, which I never thought possible. But, WOW! :)

I love my blog. Can release and forget, waiting for me to re-visit when I'm ready to tackle. Hometown worries about a few people seem to be not that far away after all. But oh wells, I have my choices and done the best I can within my means here. I hope they be good :)

There, it feels better already :)
Anyways, please SMS me if anything. I would love to know about anything or just a simple one-off sms would be nice :) But replying would have to be delayed and through probably internet sms/email/facebook. Cheers~

2008-05-21T17:27:00.000+08:00

Off to Europe!
Gosh, rushing about, still on the very last day.

Was around NUH today, all the happy and smiley faces made all the effort worth it. What's more i got 2 kisses. Woohoo :)

And yes, I'm going to miss this place and more importantly, the people :(

Be back in 22 days!

2008-05-20T00:53:00.002+08:00

Oh my, I'm still reeling from the various possibly implications.
But, I'm truly smiling once again.
No more little voice. Yay!

2008-05-19T23:24:00.004+08:00

The Scorpio's intensity has passed. He's smiling now.
I realize it does empower some, yet engulf others.

Am learning to tame and channel the fire within, to serve and to help. Any help or advice would be welcomed :)

Fire is a terrible master but wonderful servant.
Let me attempt to appreciate & to inculcate that from now on.
The fire that warms the house, when it's cold.
The flame that cooks food for the table.
The light that brighten things up when it's dark.

Maybe, all along in my life, i was never meant to be in charge. never to be the top and up there kinda guy. never meant to be always right. yet, ego n pride always made me push myself there, forming walls and closing doors. and causing so so much damage in the trailing blaze. gosh. i just hope it would not cause anymore mayhem.

Allow me to go learn to play the fiddle. The second one.
It should something similar to the double bass, i hope? :X

2008-05-19T16:48:00.009+08:00

let me verbalise my emotions that's overflooding me right now.

i know i should be packing, should be organising, should be feeling all so hyped up by my euro trip. but much as i thought i was okay, thought that i was feeling good, much as i thought i was getting along with life. the truth is, i ain't.

i don't give a shit anymore about pride, about my ego.

I still miss you.

after all these days of looking around confused and tired, banging against walls, and crying out even. soothing myself, i thought, has finally succeeded. until i read.
i really don't know what's going through for you, but i can feel it. i just hope to be there to alleviate. it's not that i don't care, but my fragile heart and minute confidence just cant take no more frost blast from you, cant take anything to complete its decimation.

but somehow, deep inside, this always inspires me.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the flower...

thanks, for supporting me. i pay you back with slaps :D

-edit-
i have no explanations for this post anymore.
then again, there was not any in the first place.

2008-05-16T23:59:00.007+08:00

16th May.

Left NUH after 6 months of bitching, complaining, slogging.
6 months filled with working, slacking, learning.
Most importantly, 6 months of preciously good memories :)
All those daily bickerings, daily talk cock and daily bantering :)

I love hanging on to memories. Keys to memories as well. Somehow it always feel good to know that they are, though I have never seriously re-read any of my stored stuff. I just feel good to know that they are. like a base to sit on. I though about it being smtg that i cannot let go, but it is not as such. But more of something for me to re-live through, something to remember, something to make me smile again :)

ah yes, now let me get a bit mushy.
i'm feeling loved :)

All those sms-es, especially those surprise ones. woohoo :) those that showed that you care, those that showed you remember, those that share and those that encourage.
I'm tempted to show them off, but i shall rein my temptation in. Except for my uncle's.

Ken : So is there space for me to play (soccer) tml?
Uncle : They want you to play... You special one...

That put a damm bloody big smile on my face :D

All those pple that bothered to spend time with me, just for me to selfishly distract myself. thank you.

That gift of a watch. So timely and so well though-out of. Thank you!

And yes of course, dearie for me to cry out on, for me to realise and release. thank you :)

of coz, there's my favourite O&G "sister" :) that hug u initiated meant so much :)
I once said "for you, on call lor". i don't know what i can offer back, but i shall try :)

2008-05-15T11:30:00.003+08:00

I cope with things via expressing them out.

That's one thing I realised.

When I do, I just need a comforting listening ear, if it is not too much to ask for.
Words of comfort would be nice.
Touches of comfort would be invaluable.

I got to drop my ego and learn to stop bluffing myself.
I am getting better.
Though the occasional invasions will attempt to wreck havoc for awhile, but yeah, am dealing with them, whenever and in whichever manner they come.

2008-05-15T02:34:00.001+08:00

With a deflated buoy (ego), fighting a losing battle against the sinking, yet desperately pulling on all those ropes I could reach. I just hope I haven't pull them too hard, to pull them past the breaking point. All the more I am grateful for there being ropes.

Now, I have found back the planks and debris floating about, which had always been in my sight. It's about time that I reach out to these solids and build my raft upon, to stay afloat first again.

The root problem was so hidden, yet so evident at every corner at the same time.

Thanks Mum :)
Your love is very much valued and appreciated.

I will try again.

(Though I felt a tinge of uneasy that subsided almost as soon as it arises, after reading. That will be zoned down with time.)

2008-05-13T19:37:00.003+08:00

We have said our piece and I understood. Especially after the slappings last night and the talk this afternoon. Albeit too late, even though I kept my fingers crossed that it was not.

Guys really do cherish things only when they are gone, even though I prayed that it was not gone. And I know understand the true worth and value of a second chance. And even more so now, the need of never having to ask for a second chance.

I thought I tried my best, only to see my very own severe inadequacies.
Gosh, Kenneth. So feeble.
Growing up and Reflection time.

I'm still sad and reeling.
But I have transited some, yet still am transiting as well.
All the support and listening ears you people gave are truly enormous.
BIG thank you to you guys.

But truly, the biggest thank you goes to you.
Let's see how time or etc moves it on.

2008-05-12T21:47:00.003+08:00

All that anger, disappointment and expectations flushed out by tears.

I never thought i was so arrogant, so egoistic and so unbelievably proud.
yet the truth hurts when i look into the mirror.

I never felt more vulnerable. the hurt is still there.

I'm sorry. And I really hope it's not too late.

I miss you.

2008-05-12T21:15:00.004+08:00

I can't believe that i was actually camping to see each and every msn alert. And I can't believe that I scrambled to the hand phone each time it rings/beeps. All these just hoping to see a familiar icon or number.

But I did. Still am.

Plenty of hurtful accusations to hurl and to get but all I really want to say is :
It's your call.
Figuratively and Literally and what-so-ever-ally.
Though I hope that you have not made it already.

I don't remember tendering my resignation to the roller coaster ride nor the waiting and exploration of the pink cave.

2008-05-08T17:24:00.002+08:00

I'm getting burnt out, faster than I ever can imagine it possible.

So many things I want to do, yet competition for time is tough.

Was talking about Amsterdam itinerary which i planned to my brother yesterday. In brief, whatever I have thought to be good to do there, was far off from my brother's recommendation. I can't help but feel a bit sian, after all the effort I have put through to look up info and stuff, only for it to be left realising that it was unfortunately lacking.
But taking it on a positive light, i shall dig my bro for more info.

yet, the roller-coaster ride i signed up for is extracting its small but steadily growing toll on me...

2008-05-06T11:46:00.002+08:00

bored at work once again.
was looking at my schedue till europe trip starts. and realised that it's packed right till departure. and there's one guilty party causing that. tsk tsk. ha.

uni term is over, time to meet up. they know who they are. but probably after my whirlwind trip in europe. amazingly, can't feel any sense of excitement yet for the trip. probably, it's the daily grind of work that dulls it out. i think once i'm off with NUH, then i would be lot more energetic to feel as such. but till then... ...

2008-05-03T23:57:00.002+08:00

2 more weeks before the end of NUH. hrmm, kinda missing that place, all that teasing banter btw the sisters. oh well, it be quite a dream holiday after that. though 3 weeks seem to be quite a long time away from ... ... :(

things are excellent and getting better. i'm starting to feel and give more than i ever could imagine, and it's been a revelation. just smiling silly to myself now. lalala~ :X

things have been going on very quickly and packed. tuition rate has been increased due to the pending mid-years and that has taken quite a toll. am immersed quite deeply in many things and i was up for air yesterday night. it did help me put things in a few perspective and i'm grateful for that. shall have to keep those things in mind :)

2008-04-29T16:43:00.002+08:00

i can't help but to freak out a little.
i don't really know why so.
but i really do appreciate the honesty.

*self-sensorship rocks*

all i can hope for is white piece of paper with some black dots.

2008-04-27T01:09:00.004+08:00

recently, my one and only DEAREST brother has been blogging actively.

http://ivan-oh.blogspot.com/

here his blog address, and the latest article is really rofl. kept my day at office light-hearted. more pls, bro :)

oh yes, i just recently realised how tired i am. am looking very forward to resting and actually. maybe the prospect and idea of a quiet place is really tempting me. i was rather too quick to expect, but i still believe my points are valid. thank you for taking heed nevertheless.

and omg. i really like talking to one of the nurse clinician at my work place. i'm starting to really believe in pple having affinity with each other. it felt all so comfortable talking to her, i can hear the "click" that rings so loudly in my ear lor. think she could hear it too :X
and she be in london at the same time as me, coz of some clinical attachment. hrmm, still can't believe it. and oh yeah, just to quell any doubts, she started nursing before i was born.

2008-04-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

Take a break.
Have a Kit-kat :)

Learning the importance of looking before leaping.
and learning having to deal with the consequences.

i'm still figuring and learning as i had to come to terms with my realisations and shortcomings as well.

2008-04-24T00:52:00.002+08:00

thank god for #0 and #1.
it was a big difference. VERY BIG.

i would need to calm down and give it my best shot.

i ask this of you other guys, pls don't judge or criticize with a biased eye. and i'll be more than grateful, if u could support.

2008-04-21T23:49:00.002+08:00

i think i just found a daughter and elder sister rolled up in one :X

but i'm very relieved that i got that big burden off, and things have improved instead of a highly possible decline. thankful for my cousin's advice. hrmm.
we'll help each other along the way as we share and aid :)
and yes, u n ur scary instincts and wavering ways.

P.S. don't anyhow cut n chop, though that's ur specialty.

on another note, we'll work it out as we go along.

2008-04-21T01:00:00.002+08:00

I overlook the small things, but concentrate on the big picture.

It's a journey of exploration and understanding, as we go along.

And the feeling is still taking its time to sink in.

2008-04-20T01:25:00.002+08:00

what do i want? i really don't know how to answer that.

dragging along all my years of emotional baggage, hope it would not over-burden you with my concerns and worries. then again, i have to hear yours as well.

discretions. decisions. dilemma.

2008-04-16T21:55:00.003+08:00

cant believe it, it's been a week since i last blogged.
7 days just zoomed past.

the only thing that is consistent throughout is the severe lack of sleep. i think I'm averaging 5 hours at best and the toil it's taking on me is starting to show. was falling totally asleep while standing on my way back from work.

though in the past week, i have been exposed to a new but intriguing aspect of life, which i have jumped head first into. on hind sight, it could have been wiser to take a breather and consider my financial situation. but that's too late already.

i really want to trust in the altruism of people, but it is really very challenging to believe in the absence of vested interest. then again, i can't decipher out any possible avenue of exploitation. will attempt to figure out more. i really hope i am just being narrow-minded and unable to see/believe things.

movie, movie, salsa, speech, dinner, work, tuitionssssssssssss.
having a hectic week up ahead, and have to purposefully block out weekend time to sort out all the personal stuff that has inadvertently piled up since my ORD days. time to procrastinate on procrastination.

2008-04-09T01:01:00.003+08:00

i should be sleeping right now, but then again, i procrastinate. yes, even i procrastinate my sleeping time, if that does makes sense.

anyways, this little entry today is about 1-2-3 ,4-5-6 .
it's not some kinda of code, but the salsa count beats. despite having learn music and piano back in the way way past, i still had quite a hard time listening out for the starting double beat to initiate the dance. damm, if only the BOOM-BOOM was as clear as it was, back in my NS parade marching days :\

speaking of starting the dance, that itself is the biggest reward and learning point of the day. it has reinforced to me some devious concepts i read up on in the past, and to use it in a right manner pleases me. thankfully, i had a good dance partner at the very precise moment that provided valuable feedback and "enlightenment". and being the superficial bugger that i am, obviously she was pretty as well.

having said that, there was an even prettier girl but truly was rather klutzy about it and it wasn't THAT fun. hrmm :\

2008-04-06T23:57:00.002+08:00

there is a gradual but growing feeling which i can't pin-point.
is it an avid sense of dissatisfaction or is it more like the feeling of being unappreciated?

pondering over, i guess i found the answer to it. but then again, if i will probably get slammed for getting my expectations wrong again. though in some sense, it's all about giving w/o expecting to return, but i'm very much human. that makes it increasingly difficult to do as such.

being busy is relative. i admit that i use it as a shield sparsely as well, but when it's abused by others once too many times, it does get exceedingly sickening and makes one questions things. makes me wonder was all that from previous times a bunch of superficial lies. or maybe just different priority eh.

loud voices and lame excuses are a daily source of alarm that breaks the tranquility of the night. it makes me wonder is obstinateness the most capable thing he is capable of, and maybe in 30+ years time, i be similar. though i very much hope not.

i definitely need to rest more :\

2008-04-05T03:04:00.002+08:00

hrmm. today's shift at settlers was rather interesting.

what should i talk about?
the loud ping-ing of my gay-dar, the asking of contact number, the all so standard excess shows or the little lessons of subtlety?

i think sleep's the best for now.

2008-04-03T22:28:00.002+08:00

scholarship applications.
argh, after procrastination for so long, i finally getting it done.
somehow, for something of so much value and significance, i still like to drag it out till near the last possible moment. something for me to ponder and improve on.

thankfully, i'm very much not like that for the euro trip. been reading up random websites, books and guides (due to abundance of free time at work). yet the more i read, the more i feel that there's much to be known for the trip. itinerary, customs, travel routes, cuisine etc. and not to mention, the topdeck tour isn't shaping up to be what i thought it would be. shall just cross my fingers then.
maybe i should have just contiki-ed, especially so should have signed up with stevia :(

2008-04-02T00:28:00.004+08:00

had a pleasant and comforting talk with the nowadays "rarely" seen Ise and to update each other. busy busy busy, with our own different things, we all are.

oh. and why didn't the uber hot Caucasian lady sign up for salsa course as well?? :( :(
smooth skin ftw :( :(

2008-03-31T01:04:00.002+08:00

365 days, 52 weeks, One year.
That's how long it has been since i got my driving license :D

NO MORE P-PLATE!
(though i haven't bothered for the past 6 odd months. oops :X )

i'm getting over-stretched. please teach me how to say no without guilt.

"What makes you cry?" For those that know the answers, :) .

2008-03-29T01:26:00.003+08:00

I should get an Oscar for putting up such a fabulous show of nonchalance and ignorance. Then again, sometimes i think am i just creating a drama out of nothing, where in actual fact, there wasn't anything to begin with? Yet, when the emotions hit home, i know that is real. and i still do wanna care, but i can't, i won't and i will try not to.

I shouldn't depend on you two so much, but i can't help it. i really do hope it ain't too much of a burden. Am at a lost to express appreciation and gratitude. I hope you two are doing fine yourself as well, not in terms of academics but in all other areas as well :)
I do wanna share about it with others but more often that not, all i need is just an empathic ear ONLY, which seems to be in short supply.

Settlers outing wasn't as successful as i hoped it would be. considering the vast and constant variance in number of people, and those asking for directions, it was one hectic to juggle both sides. though people might pay lip service, but from the actions and atmosphere, it is apparent. at least the cake was nice, and i hope it did end on a neutrally pleasant enough note for all.

2008-03-27T23:52:00.003+08:00

just had a showdown of sorts with my management at work today. didn't get what we want at all, only got a talking off in return. in short, it was a valiant attempt, but oh wells :(
but actually, the management implanted quite an interesting idea of going back to them for work during my uni break. considering that it's in the operations side, i might get to learn a thing or two with an internship there. what's more i'm taking a biz degree... hrmm... ?

on the brighter side, we got our contract extended till 16th may. so that means i will kinda work the longest possible before i fly to europe. not to mention all the leisure surfing i get to enjoy at work, so it ain't that bad :X
besides, i need all the dough i can get. and to save it up as well, for uni expenses, as mentioned before.

was planning to regurgitate all the swirls and whirls in my mind these past few days, but i have decided to held back and keep it short. i should really go with the flow, as my mum would always say. and more importantly, to stop trying so hard. but it's a lot easier said than done. i should not have commit, and pulling back is so much harder than i ever want to admit. but in some sense, i do hope it's really working. yet in those aplenty moments of weakness, it comes back to haunt. every little things and actions, which have so profoundly affected me, lingers on everywhere.

i take too much notice and take much unnecessary heed of things/words. but i can't really help it. i can't shut out and ignore. to pretend not to see?

it's time to cool off, to chew slowly and to let go.

2008-03-27T01:17:00.002+08:00

just back from my very virgin attempt at table topics contest. i must say, didn't really feel anything special when i was stage. other than the expected phase of being nervous before going on stage, it was normal. though i felt that i could have craft a better story with a more powerful ending? oh wells, valuable performance and i felt it was good exposure :)

oh yes, gotta talk a bit about job satisfaction.
today, my colleague got pawned some queer soursop candy she brought herself. i'm so glad i didn't eat those candies. anyways, she had severe stomach discomfort and took MC. which end up me getting thrown to do the arrangement of operations for the following day.

it's a perm staff job, and the management has been bitching about a temp cannot do it, coz of lack of responsibility and blah blah blah. "Kenneth cannot go on auto-pilot" is quite the famous phrase, coz temps are supposed to be kept away from those responsibilities. but guess wat, with my colleague taking MC = i do.

so had an extreme day with the phone ringing non-stop. it was really put down and ring immediately. i think i gonna have shoulder ache soon, for pincering the phone btw my head n my left shoulder.

but at the end of the day, it felt really good. good that i could take the task at hand and complete it. good that i really felt it was a job well done, considering that it was totally un-guided and the doctors were pulling a lot of stunts. multi-tasking seamlessly also felt very possible. in some sense, it was like a heightened sense of alertness and concentration throughout the busy period to get the list sorted out.

to sum it up, job satisfaction achieved!

2008-03-25T20:59:00.002+08:00

finally a much needed day to rest and more importantly, to relax at home and do nothing productive.

had a sudden realisation that i need to save up some cash. i kinda plan to hit 2 exchange trips, summer terms and personal holidays during my uni years. but i'm still at a lost of figuring out the source of income for all that. hopefully i won't need to cut down, but guess that's quite impossible :(
and the "excellent" thing is my upcoming trip to europe won't be aiding my financial cause at all :(

was stuck at this point. was drifting off, doing random stuff, such as filing my nails, fast-forwarding through my song list and just realising that i'm using the in-built sound card for my comp.
crap. makes my favourite song sounds so mild. ah wells. hopefully i can inherit my bro's laptop and his imba comp when he starts work. according to him, he doesn't really need it, and his company should provide him with one. *crosses my finger*

2008-03-23T23:59:00.002+08:00

from psyduck's feedback, i realised i need to clarify what does PT means. it means part-time, a very far difference from what psyduck though eh?

but though i seriously think that i have made a mistake again with respect to the PT list. a very common mistake made by me. that is to count my chickens before they hatch.

2008-03-23T19:35:00.002+08:00

dinner ++++ with floor ball babe ytd night :)
it was simply wonderful :)
seriously, lost count of the things talked about, and yet i feel that more could be said. really enjoyed the company and time spent, QT's the top of our lists after all.
on a side note, thankfully she didn't crash the car :X
and i'm still waiting for my hot chocolate.

i'm kinda still reeling from the talk on thursday. many more thoughts/factors/considerations on relationships to iron out, and ytd night also had its fair share of inputs. i guess i'm only an average thinker in that sense, need to take some time to process all the stuff, if i do eventually get it at all.

i feel that there's a lot to discover and to learn about people. unfortunately, i'm not intuitively inclined towards it. have been artificially learning it and internalising it. hopefully, it be instinctive eventually. though the results are significant, yet there is always still room.

i'm pissed, but i would get over it and i have to sever my addiction.

2008-03-21T17:07:00.002+08:00

Somehow i suddenly realised i got spare time for myself. I was definitely at an initial loss of what to do, as i have always liked to plan and prepare. this sudden zone of own time seemed so much of a shock, that i'm still slightly reeling from it. gonna take a bath after this, to work out what to do.

met up with jiajia ytd night.
i am simply too lost at words, to coherent illustrate what we talked about. or maybe to some sense, she telling me. in some egoistic manner, i really do hope that it wasn't that one way for her. but it can be more of the 2 way communication, that i have always been looking out for in all others as well.

the key take away has got to be the assurances. the assurance that it wasn't me over-formulating things in other scenarios. the assurance that things would definitely turn for the better, as i have gradually seen for myself as well. the assurance that i would be understood. though initially terrified and shocked by that, but the comfort underneath is insane.
and though i would never be as analytical or sharp, but that's not in any way some form of measurement.

there gotta be reasons why you are #0, right? :)

2008-03-20T00:07:00.003+08:00

boring days at work are back again.
surviving barely through the internet and msn.
can't help but to take all those breaks to read up and pass time.
thankfully, yet unfortunately, the job pays well enough to keep me there :S

talking/communicating with the few of you makes me feel so much better, and in fact, so much more wholesome. i can indeed feel that sense of elation and happiness.

but leaving the convo so high and dry has become quite the trademark of yours, but the frustration is undeniably present. you may have your reasons, but i'm too tired to feel despair, too drained to feel anything. it's simply just a case of whatever and yet when you do complete things, it leaves me yearning for more.
i can only but detach and letting it go, as the power lies only in your hands. didn't know feeling so powerless could be so much of an adventure in itself.

2008-03-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

finally made the bespoke shirt, after running so many trips to the shop. Am very appreciative of the effort and time you spend to come down and help out :)
Just running my daily marathon alone is starting to take its toll on me again. Put it simply, I had fun :) but physical fatigue did dampen the mood a little? :(
And oh yeah, i think i said quite a few thoughtless things today. especially about ladies my age and blah blah blah. Pondering over it, i think i should really eat my words back

Extended my NUH contract to end April today. Back when i started the job, I was thinking of the job being just a stop-gap measure, before i eventually move on and find a "nicer" job. But guess what, it's been 4.5 months now and still counting, as if all the gradual one month, one month extensions did really add up. On the very least, it gives good dough and allows quite some time to slack on the job :p

Now for some slightly late add-ons. Last saturday, was poker day. or more like get-pawned-by-poker-sharks day. blah, one single bad move, arising from stubbornness and pride = early kick-out of tourney. However, i got to admit the atmosphere and the way the others played were quite an eye-opener. Could feel a slight tinge of what's it like to be in a casino. I definitely got tempted to see what's a real casino like :X
Dinner with floorball babe was excellent :) the very long walkkkkkkkkk was definitely worth it and patience in the restaurant was well rewarded, in my opinion?
Think you should have enjoyed it ya?

On a last note, I am gradually aware that there's much more to learn from you people. There is a lot more beneath, and to a large extent, it awes but scares me. Not that it's gonna stop me from trying though.

2008-03-16T00:12:00.006+08:00

PT #0 -- Ellis, Recently longhair babe.
PT #1 -- Gwen, Svelte Legs babe
PT #2 -- Kesh, Floor Ball babe.

Damm, i don't really like to lie sometimes. HAHA :X

Okay, total random, and with no malicious intent.
Shoot me if need be :(

edit : PT = Part-time.

2008-03-13T22:15:00.004+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time

with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Quality Time:		12
Acts of Service:		6
Physical Touch:		6
Words of Affirmation:		4
Receiving Gifts:		2

Take the quiz

I have always wanted to read the book. but with this quiz, it makes it all the clearer. Thinking back about the past, many things are suddenly making sense.
And yes, QT tops my list very obviously. Will blog more extensively about these soon, after reading the book.

2008-03-10T23:29:00.006+08:00

My 200th post. Milestone of the poignant times.

I intentionally wanted NOT to be online last night, thus breaking the trial of blogging daily. Was in a very lousy mood for a very lousy day. Thankfully, spent time with my cousins to share and stuff. It was a great form of distraction, which kept me tethering on the border of sanity.

Gotta thank fatbean for inviting me to her PAR-TEH! Hoped she had fun!
And meanwhile let me stress over finalizing her the card, which i have been several ideas for, but just cant seem to decide which one is the best. Troublesome (but definitely worthwhile) thing to do for a truly little miss troublesome :X

Watched Juno today with the 2 evil conniving pros today. Am appreciative for the Popcorn treat from the khaki barbarian, but seems that only a certain someone can have her all the salt she wants, but yet, i can't eh?
Unfortunately, couldn't catch half of the wit/humour. and sometimes i pride myself of understanding movies quickly and deeply, but i gotta say, i'm totally defeated by the movie. it showcased a lot more than i could absorb, and yeah, am still pondering over certain things about the movie.

And i'm just suddenly too glad for any words to describe :D

2008-03-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

a familiar scenario once again.
tired + thinking about what to blog + self censorship = cant decide what to blog.

went to soccer with uncle today. hopefully it would revive the regime of weekly sat afternoon soccer. am really looking forward to it this time round, as there seem to be some form of direction and drive for the team. they were talk of joining tournament and stuff. people seemed rather serious today, and there were much review of the match.
come to think of it, my place isn't even safe. gotta do some fitness training and be up to par, and truly display the potential i am capable of.

2008-03-07T22:11:00.007+08:00

i don't know what else to put up on this space.

too much have been said.
too much left unsaid.

thank you once again.

2008-03-07T01:52:00.004+08:00

watched the leap year today.
could really identify with the 3 guys in the movie.
in some sense, it was poignant to me.
thanks for the company for the movie and dinner :)

hopefully, after today's climax, it will signify an end of a highly emotional several days.
A very BIG Thank you to my brother, jiajia, sperman, ise and kesh. You guys really did make the difference.

so many of my crucial firsts been whisked away, that i have lost count. i need the space and time to recover, and just see where would this go on to.

2008-03-06T03:04:00.002+08:00

thank you for letting me share.
and thanks for sharing as well.
I still have plenty to learn from you.

i think i have said what i wanted to say :)
even maybe a little more than i should?

Congrats to being aware.
but please take whatever said in a positive light.
don't self-reproach ya? :)

On the other hand, i still have my own insecurities. In some sense, you have soothed it. but i guess it's just one of those thing that i have to accept it, even though i don't want it to happen.

and oh yar, slap me lor. i still will stare :D

2008-03-05T03:15:00.004+08:00

Push the car? Nope, you can't.
Handle the clutch, accelerator and ignition? Definitely you can :)

I'm so glad you took the whole incident in a positive light, not many others would be able to do so. it really eased the pressure off me, and thankfully, we remedied the situation quite quickly.

I won't forget this and what you said, in a hurry :)

2008-03-04T15:33:00.002+08:00

hat trick entry of the day.

Thanks, jiajia, as always :)
I hope i won't need to press the emergency button anytime soon again.

Scholarship-wise, i tried my best. Mr. Ise better get ready for a big treat on his part.

Second problem wise, will enjoy the journey of ceding control.

2008-03-04T13:41:00.003+08:00

Down.
That's the feeling now.

No scholarship call yet. They say that by Friday, calls would be made. Well, Mr. Ise has gotten a ring from there today already, yet my phone is still silent. It would be real nice, if both of us could make it to the programme itself. But, yeah, i just need to release some frustration and disappointment and take some time to recover.

Maybe it's the sense of unjustified perception that i lack the potential and ability to be good enough for it, that pisses me off. Or maybe i'm just being an arrogant prick.

2008-03-04T01:10:00.004+08:00

A thousand possibilities running through my brain, yet none satisfactory. no where near in fact.
Summing up my talk with Mr. Ise today, always yield to temptation and not to have expectation. I really wish i can do that. How not to develop attachment? How not to but to think constantly about?
Gotta Thank Ise for that, it really did strike a very resonating chord.

Cleared the final hurdle for the LKCSP. Now i can only wait for the results, that would be in this weekend. Though they say the odds are high and stuff like that, but one can't help to worry. For it, I really did speak from the bottom of my heart. No fluff. Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best be my only option.

Would that one dota game be one that i would come to regret deeply?
And i can't really read on, even though i want to. If there's one time to be blind, it's now.

2008-03-03T02:04:00.003+08:00

Am very very tired, but no doubt rather pleased. Spent a whole day, before finally making bookings for the european trip. i think all parties have compromised on things here and there. and unfortunate for those gossipers, there will be no juicy listing what happened. but to sum it all out, there be 4 of us going all together, and we'll all definitely be having fun fun :)

supper was fabulous, considering that i got a nice treat for it as well :)
but when we strike big sweep, all these petty little cash won't really matter already, right? :D
looks like i just got some financing of my euro trip from singapore pools!

in many sense, it's real enjoyable and fun talking with you. Most importantly, it is comfortable :)

2008-03-02T03:50:00.003+08:00

Now i truly understand why people loveeeeeeeeee facials!

The word to sum the whole experience up is "lazy".
Lazy as in the form of laziness that one experiences when struggling to climb out of bed on a misty morning. Temptation to snuggle back in would be rife and hitting that all-important snooze button is a must.
I don't think i can find any words to sufficiently and accurately convey the intended con flux of emotions :)

On a different note. There's a niggling little voice at the back of my brain that tells me to guard. How much attention I should pay attention ( if at all) to it, I don't know. As of what i feel now, such little redundant voices are the by-product of certain values of mistrust inoculated from young. Damm.

Nevertheless, am very very appreciative and grateful to my personal shopper/facial therapist :)

Invest in yourself.
Narcissistic? Nope.
Self-indulgence? Definitely.

2008-03-01T00:36:00.003+08:00

Due to harsh but well-intended (i hope) criticism about the poor level of my english, i have once again been "requested" by Mr. Ise and Mr. Sperm to brush up on the standard of my entries.

We were at the NATAS travel fair today, where the great Mr. Ise had to sacrifice precious time away from his much beloved. This confounded my belief that he was hen-pecked. GOOD JOB, ISE!
Feeling highly optimistic and entrepreneurial, Mr. Ise devised to re-sell admission tickets for profits to those that were deterred by the insanely long queue. So with a bit of cutting queue trickery and much glib, we earned ourselves a grand profit of ONE DOLLAR!!!! YAY to that!

moving on to talk about more serious stuff, we did much information gathering. and this would hopefully lead to a concrete plan, which would carry us through the 20 odd days in europe. though i must admit, we stayed slightly long than necessary at the contiki booth and i wonder why. hrmm? :D

break week is coming up! however, it's starting to filled up with activities already. hopefully, i be able to do my intended cleaning up. and more importantly, to meet up with J & J.

before i sleep, i got to mention how incredulous ladies are. Actually, just a particular one. You know who you are, and your occupational hazard might be getting to you. Seeing the shrek picture and knowing about the no make-up part was just simply too hilarious to contain. HAHAHAHA.

2008-02-28T23:56:00.003+08:00

In accordance with the wishes of Ise Tan LJ and Sperman Lim, I am to attempt to blog in perfect English. Punctual tenses, professional grammar phrasing and perfect structure. No easy feat at all, but let me indulge in it and give it a shot.

Actually, that very first paragraph was quite the torture. However, I do need the practice to write impeccably, so this is my daily chance.

So, today's topic of aimless rambling from me, would be on ... ... ...

Okay. Mind is in a state of blank, though it is swashed with conflicting inner talk. One side yells to me that I'm taking things too fast and I'm just mis-interpreting through preconceived notions, while another eggs me on and to plunge straight in.
I'm seriously thankful for the break week, that would be coming up. As mentioned, much much much sorting out to be done.

2008-02-28T00:45:00.002+08:00

once again, i failed to sleep early. okay, shall quit bitching and start blogging.

the wars in the operating theatre just got more exciting. even i was unwittingly involved in it :(
oh wells, it's quite unfortunate that even when a place where one could expect medical care and expertise to be of top most priority, there are signs of decadence. back-stabbing, bad-mounting, biased side-ing. sigh, it's quite a struggle to stay afloat against all these stuff.

on the bright, roped in "roy" to work as temp in the office. whoever said 3's a crowd eh? woohoo. pity "roy" only know have profound pedophilia tendencies. a very unhealthy sign, imo :X

my cousin asked me why i'm so busy recently. truthfully, i can't really understand why so as well. hopefully, break week would re-charge me, but see-ing it, the schedule seems to be filling out already. but at a slower rate, thankfully. maybe there be free slots :(
thinking about, i realised that it could be me trying to farm out the money to go europe. ever since setting that as my target, i guess i have been quite motivated and willingly to slog, unlike the previous 1 year 10 months of hiding and escaping. regardless of # of company, i think i would seriously consider solo-ing europe.

2008-02-26T12:43:00.002+08:00

am bored enough at work to blog.
after endless spamming F5 at sgx.com, replying facebook messages, updating myself with soccernet.com, msn-ing, i'm still left with 7 minutes to hang on till lunch.

before u guys make noise about how slack my job is, let me say this. my workload since i started has always been consistent and even increased over the time. but i will shamelessly (:X)put it down to me finding a more effective method to doing the work assigned. especially since it's quite heavy on computer programmes, i spent quite some time poking around to discover all the keyboard short-cuts and other methods to boost effeciency. in that sense, i can finish my work much much quicker than they used to, while getting more done. not to mention the nice dual core processor computer that I have.

okay, 2 more minutes to lunch. even i feel this is getting rather much. hahahaha :X

2008-02-26T00:35:00.003+08:00

i suddenly am at a big blank of what to post, despite having spawned several ideas. so shall just spam off with what i currently have.

reading up amsterdam, paris, london, florence and rome at work today. i can feel the allure. damm. am trying to settle my pre-uni trip to europe. maybe even a little bit of persuasion, cajoling is required. i do view the trip as a learning experience, right from the starting planning phase to the very end. only thing i can hope for is that it would be rewarding and successful for all. then again, expectations usually are the harbinger of disappointment.

the tinge and surge was undeniable, after that slight lingering brush.

let nature take its own course?
yeah, applicable to many many different aspects now.

-edit-

heavily edited away a paragraph. self-concious and self-sensorship is overiding.

2008-02-25T01:28:00.002+08:00

blog blog blog.
just a mere record of one's passing of days?

or is there actually something more to this global phenomena.
are pple just wanting to be heard, in this world, where others don't really listen?
or people just wanna exhibit out their lives and into the public domain, letting them in onto a part of their juicy lives?

i admit i'm quite the poor listener. but i really have tried to improve. to sieve out what you are really trying to say, to understand what is hidden between what is said, to be able to know what is the unsaid.
maybe it just isn't enough. i would fumble, i will trip and fall, but i won't stop trying.

i forgot a lesson just taught not that long ago.
sorry for placing those expectations on you.

2008-02-24T02:32:00.002+08:00

the sniffing cow continues his sniffing regime throughout the day and is unfortunately no wonder near being relieved of his status.

the situation is obviously NOT helped by the fact that he is sleeping very little still, been out the whole day poker-ing and winning a bit of cash with the bonus of getting kb-ed at :(

the specifications on the anti-running medication bottle says "Avoid alcoholic drinks".
somehow, i didn't really remember see-ing it, especially while i was at the a newly discovered chill-out spot, sipping gently 2 different concoctions of poison over the night with crooning of live music blasting into my ear.

hrmm.. maybe i did indeed to forget it for the moment, so i still can go around sniffing.

2008-02-23T02:54:00.002+08:00

Person X: "So, does your cafe have speed dating activities?"
Me : "Uhm, yeah. But they're are usually organised by SDU."
Person X: "So, are the people there good-looking?" *stares with hopeful looking face*

seriously, what am i to say?
yeah, they're plenty of handsome guys ard, so that it would entice you?
it's not that i'm pissed, but it does get rather amusing by the things i get asked.
working at the cafe does have its fair share of laughable and bitching moments. but one of the better things is that they are pple to share it with on the spot. all the more fun :)

oh, not to mention the time i was asked to store breast milk in the fridge.

2008-02-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

*sniff sniff*

i'm like a sniffing cow. somehow downing the flu medicine seems to have exaggerated the flu. in fact, i think it even created the flu.
and worse still, was when i saw the same bottle used in saf medical centers, i wanted to con myself that the medicine was going to finally work this time round. guess not. *sniff sniff*

am feeling rather under the weather. mind seems a bit hazyyyyy....
can't really think that straight.
but i kinda have a feeling it's going to be a packed weekend AGAIN.

am gonna let the momentum of previous weeks run its course, then take it from there.
burnt out? definitely.

2008-02-21T00:28:00.002+08:00

am feeling slightly groggy.
thanks to the cough syrup.
slightly ill with a nasty throat infection.

cause of ill-ness is probably the amount of slp, or more like the absolute lack of slp i'm having. it has got the point where i can literally slp anywhere and everywhere and miss train stops. to say it's really quite bad, is quite an understatement.

am looking very forward to my little mini holiday in the first of march, where i told my superior that i'm going on holiday. holiday in bishan that is.
am missing out of a bountiful of personal indulgences recently. though not all of them are within my control. hopefully, i would be able to re-visit them again in the near future. then again, i'm kinda supposed to be folding non-premium hands.
but anyways, got plenty of personal re-organising to do, physical packing up to complete, electronic sorting out to be accomplished. maybe add in a touch of superficial skincare for icing on the cake :)
yup, i'm getting vain :)

2008-02-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

my father asked me this question today (in chinese of course.)
father : " who was that girl yesterday? are you close to her?"
me : "yar."

i was scrambling my mind on what he was intending at. half my mind was afraid that he would start lecturing me on what he would perceive as my decadent morals. the other was in total bewilderment on why the question.

to my relief, he followed up with :" if not too close, there's not need to send her back." what he truly wanted to say was "oil prices very expensive."
relief gave way to total absolute disgust. nothing to ask your son about his life and stuff, other than to save costs on iquid gold, eh?

nice.

2008-02-19T02:04:00.002+08:00

once again, i have succeeded in not slping early. though it's not really something that i should be proud of, but just more of accepting that my slping hours has been officially non-existent in the past month?

met jiajia today :) in gist what we talked about was just too many, and many more to come after thinking about it or during those "eureka" moments :)

on another note, i probably be slogging it out in NUH till end march, but with a little one week break in the 1st week. i desperately need the time to rest, re-organise my stuff (that's lying all over) and spend time with myself. narcissistic as it sounds, but it's a necessary luxury which i have not been indulging at all.

2008-02-18T01:36:00.002+08:00

just back from an unexpectedly long shift at settlers.
but gotta say it was worth it.

in brief, learnt new games, hosted a bdae party and understood the finer mechanics of the working environment there. i must admit, it's insanely complex, despite the appearance being friendly.
i have little inkling of what's going on in between, and the SHOCKING amount of couples in there is mind-blowing.

i often wondered why am i burning my weekends for such a low paying job washing toilets, cleaning dishes and etc. it does indeed sound stupid when i barely have slp and there's a much slack-ier, and better paying job. yet somehow i feel there's something attractive about the whole scenario, maybe it's thrill of playing mind-challenging games and possibly making new friends and etc. as to the second part, i realised that i have been kinda demand for instant results. looking back, i could see the signficant effort that both sides put in for my other relationships over the years and different challenging environments.
as such, i realised i would need to put in more effort myself, invest more and not expecting instant gratification. but i'm quite glad of the progress thus far, though that doesn't mean resting on my laurels :X

2008-02-16T18:23:00.002+08:00

am taking a brief respite now.
going off to teach my cousin tuition later.

ever since i took on my 2 tuition assignments, i realised the importance of being personally responsible. now i can connect with the feelings of my frens whom used to feel upset or down whenever their tuition kids did not do well. while in the past, i used to be pretty skeptical about it, and brushed them and their worries quickly. to that, here's my apologies for being so insensitive about the whole issue, for the few of them.
it's really those u-gotta-be-in-then-you'll-know kinda thingy.

not to mention the time it requires. on paper, it's only 2 hours long. but the transportation time to n fro, the preparatory work required and the amount of effort to enhance the session needs to be taken into account as well. factoring all in, i would just hope that my 2 tuteeees would be able to do well. especially my sec 4 cousin. the anxiety, worry and concern is written all over my aunt's face. i just hope i would be able to help my aunt lessen the load in some way or another.

2008-02-16T04:13:00.002+08:00

am back from having an entertaining preview into the world of PS3. all i can is OMFG!
even the winning eleven AI difficult got buffed up so significantly. not to mention, the DMC graphics and gameplay. *gasps!*
alright, enough of drooling, all this was made possible thanks to wenk. maybe when i FFXIII is out, i would really get a PS3. then again, i still need to start on FFXII. hrmm.

bye bye to good uni grades :(

packed weekend ahead. and somehow most of the activities are more of obligation, then free will. the sucky sucky feeling of that is starting to weigh me down, and mostly probably contributed due to the lack of freedom.
iron, boundaries and shackles? :(

2008-02-15T00:12:00.003+08:00

in-line, with a little commitment project that i was inspired, i'm going to blog daily.
it's called a 30 day-trial thingy, where i would stick to doing something daily for 30-day, and after that, decide to drop or keep the habit. that is of coz, after evaluating the pros and cons of it.

so for a start, the daily activities are blog daily, run daily and wake up at a healthy time (i.e 6.30) and to read up a vocab word each day (which i'm doing already actually).

oh, i saw her today. haha.
i'm glad i'm around 95% over it, though the last 5% would always be there, but it has become something healthy, imo. just like for the other rare selected, there always be the 5% there.
anyways, i discovered something interesting. something just about the blue. quantum leap?
maybe yeah.
and that is, she was my muse. my intellectual inspiration and that was probably the greatest draw of attraction towards her. but that's all in the past, but a tinge of regret exists in the form of it being real tough to be friends, not just mere accquaintances.

okay, gotta slp early. need to run.